The Day the Squirrel went Berserk

Unassuming morning and fuzzy-headed bear coming out of hibernation mentality, as usual. Until the sound of scratching nails and pandemonium on heart of pine brought the eyeliner down and warranted the awakening of a few more brain cells. I yelled at Carll, who is my pup and the logical suspect for mayhem, as he is my sole roommate and is responsible for most, if not all, out of control behavior.

Well, what happened next was hard to tell, some thought it was Heaven, others thought it was Hell, but the fact that something was among us was plain to see.

He paused in the doorway and whimpered with a fairly desperate look on his face and I stuck my head out just in time to see a bushy tail zip around the corner.

Well Harv hit the aisles dancing and screaming, some thought he had religion, others thought he had a demon, and Harv thought he had a WeedEater loose in his Fruit of the Looms.

Luckily at this point, I was dressed. I'd love to tell you, after the fact, that the squirrel chase that ensued was done in skivvies as the visual is almost too much, even for me. Carll, who was confused but gleeful, was ushered out into the back door. As a dog mom, I was super impressed with how compliant he was with all requests; the temptation being almost too much. I armed myself with a ski hat and a broom (don't really understand the ski hat myself but I had a visual of an aerial attack that made me think twice about going at it bare headed).

And the squirrel ran out of his britches leg, unobserved, to the other side of the room.

I found our intruder in a poinsettia in the sun room being very, very quiet. A quick broom maneuver, one that I learned from reading Dave Barry, ousted him where he ran past the open front door (i.e. bastard squirrel) and I just caught sight of him heading up the stairs. Lovely. So I follow him, not even close to being on his heels, those things are ninjas, and it's "Silence of the Squirrel" upstairs. They can be elusive creatures. I'm sneaking around the treadmill when I catch sight of him in the walk-in closet at the other end of upstairs. He's making a ricochet move off the luggage and launches himself into the fur coats, where I find out later, he's smuggled himself into a prom dress. It's in the prom dress where Custer makes his last stand.

All the way down to the Amen Pew where sat Sister Bertha Better than You, who had been watching all the commotion with sadistic glee.

So I'm in the closet, alone, with Squirrelly Squirrel squirrel squirrel and, I'm not going to lie, I had a little adrenaline pumping. I was regretting that Carll got banished so early in the game even though I feel like it saved the life of many a glass object in my house. I knew he was in there but he was not giving away his position. His mistake, like so many of us who went to prom in the late 90s, was the taffeta. The rustling gave him away and a firm "thwap" loosed him and he circled the upstairs where, MacGyver that I am, had closed off all available hiding places and forced him back down stairs. It was then that the small squirrel brain kicked in and the open door was discovered. Now to be honest, I didn't see Squirrel exit. He was like lightening.

Well you should have seen the look in her eyes, when that squirrel jumped her garters and crossed her thighs

Carll entered the scene shortly thereafter and cleared the house. No stone was unturned. And it was preciously done as he was holding his stuffed squirrel in his mouth the entire time. Clearly he thought his prayers had been answered and his AKC squirrel had morphed into an actual one but then all good things have to come to an end. Or maybe even that his prowess had made this squirrel limp and lifeless.

As the squirrel made laps inside her dress, she began to cry, then to confess sins that would make a sailor blush with shame.

So Carll had the best morning of his doggy life, and I was only 5 minutes late for work. A small miracle considering I don't leave time for coffee most mornings. As I dropped Carll off at Mimi's for his day at the farm, I walked through the door and she says she's figured it out. **Snapping fingers** "The day the squirrel went berserk, while Jodie was getting ready for work, in that sleepy little town of Hahira."

Sing it with me now.